Shrimp Gumbo and Your Frenemy, the Internet

I decided I felt like making Shrimp Gumbo for dinner. I never really had the occasion to make it, so I didn't have my own recipe on hand, but I had a pretty good idea of what should be in it. All the same, I did a quick scan of some recipes on the internet to see if I could sort of cherry-pick the best of the best gumbo ideas.

When I do an internet recipe roundup, I am looking for common ingredients, common techniques, common themes as well as special diversions that might take a classic to a higher level. I let my memory take a snapshot, and then I head to the kitchen without any of these recipes in hand, actually, just to see what I can do on my own. I admit, my ways are not for everyone, and in my first days of cooking I had to throw a lot of my concoctions into the rubbish. But now that I get the big picture (I hope), I enjoy doing things in this shoot-from-the-hip manner because it allows me to put my own spin on the theme at hand.

Regardless of whether my technique sounds intriguing or potentially dangerous, I had a revelation while perusing recipes today. A substantial proportion of internet recipes are not worth the virtual paper they are written on. I counted three recipes that were so devoid of proportion and technique that they were sure to result in disaster. If you know your way around a kitchen, you may be able to read between the lines, but what about the hapless first-timer who really, really wants to learn, wants to enjoy the creative side of food, and is basically being led into failure? That makes me very sad. Too many would-be cooks give up: "I just don't have the knack", they think. YES, YOU DO!! YOU JUST NEED MORE EXPERIENCE TO SEE HOW AND WHERE THE BAD RECIPES ARE TRICKING YOU INTO FAILURE!!

Once these first-timers become seasoned vets, they can read these pathos-inspiring internet recipes and figure out what they are really supposed to do. Or...you, dear cooking friend, can buy them a cookbook from a lower-ranking celebrity TV chef.

What??!!?? Why? If they want to cook like Thomas Keller, shouldn't I get them a Thomas Keller cookbook?

Nope. As much as Thomas Keller and contemporaries of his ilk may have tried to dumb-down their kitchen alchemy for the average Joe, it might still be too much information. I am instead referring to Rachael Ray, Paula Deen, Marth Stewart, Alton Brown and other recognizable TV faces with fun shows that may or may not be very chef-like. These TV stars generally have fantastic cookbooks, in my opinion. The recipes may not be lofty, but they are well-explained, and, even better, they are tested to within an inch of their lives. You see, they make a lot of money if America thinks they are kitchen geniuses, so they cannot afford to let down their guard. Every recipe they are hocking must be tested multiple times so they all come out tasting fantastic. They cannot have everyone in America saying things like, "Ooof. That Paula Deen calls herself a Southern cook? Her pecan pie tastes like a learning-impaired Yankee wrote the recipe 15 minutes after Richmond fell." I mean, they have to be really good. And these recipes can't have esoteric, inefficient steps in them. Suzy Single Mom needs to be able to get this done posthaste before she or her kids have a meltdown. In protecting their brand, these lower-ranking TV chefs set up the average cook for brilliant success. And that gets people excited about cooking and eating whole food (rather than nukable junk-in-the-box)

I suppose it's not even fair of me to use labels like "lower-ranking"...I mean, who am I, right? But in the world of food, you begin to become beholden to groundbreaking eccentrics with restaurants that most mere mortals cannot afford or understand, so in a spirit of (false?) deference, you let them know that they are truly the favorite son and NOT that loud and spiky-haired Fieri fellow from the Food Network.

Ooof. I've bought into the culture, I suppose.

Nevertheless, I want your gumbo to be brilliant, so please make sure you set yourself up for success. If you are a new cook and unsure what constitutes a good recipe and a so-so one, then you must pull yourself away from the computer, however convenient it is, and get yourself into a real-live physical bookstore (if there are any hanging on via life support) and buy yourself a good celebrity chef cookbook. You will win, I promise you.

The internet, though it's right there in the den and appears to have everything you need to make a brilliant dinner, WILL let you down if you are a new cook. Yes, even thought the recipe has 4 stars indicating a favorable review, it is your frenemy, smiling to your face and then stabbing you in the back...with non-essential ingredients, incorrect proportions, and unexplained techniques. Do you know what a mireppoix is? Do you have to have kaffir lime leaves for the soup to turn out and why doesn't Giant Eagle carry them? What is the ball stage and do you have to worry about your 9-year old baseball fan going through it anytime soon?

See what I mean? Skip the internet and skip to the bookstore or the library. I want you to win.

And by the way, I'm glad I ignored the mediocre gumbo recipes on the internet... in doing so, tonight's dinner turned out to everyone's liking!